Or, the family posited, it was possible she was gifted, and was simply bored by not being challenged appropriately in her class levels. Something was wrong, because she was clearly an exceptional child.
After testing, Braaten informed the parents that there was absolutely nothing out of the norm with their daughter’s learning capabilities. She was, Braaten said, “perfectly normal.”
“She’s average,” the parents were told.
The response: “You can’t tell her that. It will crush her self-esteem.”
After the chuckles subsided, Braaten directed her thoughts to how we, as parents, counselors, educators, coaches and mentors can and should adjust our approach to communication with our children and teenagers. Stop me if any of this sounds familiar (I shrank into the audience with a red face as I listened), but she noted how we often talk to and about our kids in platitudes. They, and whatever they are engaged in, is “amazing,” “phenomenal,” “incredible,” “awesome,” “mind-blowing,” and on and on. We imagine that “somehow if we have the best lacrosse coach and the best tutor and the best voice teacher that the kid will be excellent. But they aren’t always excellent,” says Braaten. It’s perfectly normal to be, well, normal.
Only 14% of us score at the peak on a standard IQ test, while 64% fall somewhere in the middle. Her recommendation is to focus more on encouragement than on overt and mindless praise—which can actually undermine a bright child who knows when he or she is being spoon-fed a crock. “Put intelligence and specialness in perspective,” reminds Braaten. “We have an aversion to seeing our kids struggle.” This is not a new message for North Shore parents. “We’ve taken away our kids’ sense of self-sufficiency” probably sounds familiar, but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded. As a result, says the author, we skew our vision of our kids’ future to be either Harvard or Wal-Mart, with no sense of perspective of how much lies in between.
What can happen, after these children reach college, is a sense of disillusionment. Is this what I worked so hard for? Can it ever measure up to the perfection I’ve been led to expect? Dr. Braaten cited increased rates of anxiety and depression among
college students. Even more frightening, suicide rates are up across the nation, with the largest demographic increase in females ages 10-14.
“We’re depriving kids of well-being and resiliency through a speeded-up world,” Braaten said. Characteristics of successful people to remember are: Avoid the bandwagon; don’t worry about what others think of you; try new things; and be passionate about something. A healthy sense of independence, tempered with realistic expectations are two key steps in maturity that will make the transition to college a successful one.